As with so many things this year, Thanksgiving 2020 is different than those that came before. Long-standing family traditions are being put on hold as we gather in smaller groups or just stay home with our immediate family. As I write this, I'm getting ready to go over to my parents' house for Thanksgiving dinner. It will just be me and my parents -- the smallest Thanksgiving of my entire life. My brother and sister-in-law are having dinner with my sister-in-law's twin sister and her husband, so I won't see them today. We had a family Zoom call last night and have texted this morning and that's how you stay connected with your loved ones on a socially distanced Thanksgiving in the middle of a global pandemic.
This is not how Thanksgiving is normally spent. A few years ago, I wrote about the family Christmas traditions, and Thanksgiving has it's own similar set of traditions. Growing up, we spent most Thanksgivings with the Dwyer side of the family. I don't really know why as my Dwyer aunts and uncles would often alternate between the Dwyer side and their in-law side of their families, but probably though the time I was in high school we spent most Thanksgivings with the Dwyers. So some years it was a large gathering like Christmas Eve when my mothers four California siblings (her youngest sister lives in Alaska and seldom came down for Thanksgiving) and their families would gather at someone's house for dinner, and other years it would just be spent with my mom's older sister's family and my grandparents.
Sometime in the late 1980s/early '90s, we started spending Thanksgiving with the Murray side of the family. I suspect this is in part due to my cousins starting to get married and having families of their own -- it was getting to complicated to get together with the Dwyer family and accommodate the various extended families. The Murray side is smaller than the Dwyers, and my cousins on that side started getting married a little later. For the last 10 years or so, we've been spending Thanksgiving at the house of one of my cousins. It's a great evening that usually starts at Ed Murray's Tavern -- the amazing deck/bar my cousin built in his backyard as a memorial to our beloved Uncle Eddie. It's an extended family Thanksgiving as my cousin's in laws are usually in attendance and always full of love and laughs. And the usual Murray Dessert-fest -- cake, pie, ice cream, cookies -- you name it, we've got it! Alas, we won't be gathering there this year.
But back to the earliest Thanksgiving traditions. I suspect some of the reason for spending most Thanksgivings with the Dwyer side of the family in the 1970s and '80s was because my mother's birthday is in the last week of November, so there's usually a bit of a birthday celebration involved as well. That makes for an extra busy Thanksgiving, as well as a couple of special and memorable ones.
As it happened my mother's 40th birthday happened to fall on Thanksgiving Day. Since it was a big milestone birthday, my parents decided to invite both the Dwyer and Murray families to Thanksgiving dinner -- at our house! Mom is one of six children, Dad is one of five. Mom also grew up with her three Pendergast cousins living across the street, so it's more like she was one of nine children growing up. Everyone was invited to dinner.
A lot of planning and cooperation goes into hosting a big dinner like that, especially when you're having it in your family living room! The first step -- move all of the living room furniture out of the living room! The living room furniture at that time consisted of a couple of love seats and tables, which mostly got moved into the dining room (save the tables that had lamps on them.) Of course that meant the dining room table had move, and it got set up in the entry way between the kitchen and living room. It became the dessert table. Next was setting up the rental tables in the living room and all the chairs. I don't think Mom and Dad rented chairs, but cobbled together a collection between the dining room chairs and folding chairs we had and borrowed folding chairs from other members of the family. We also borrowed a half dozen small benches from a family at St. Dunstan's where my brother and I went to school with two of their children. I'm not quite sure how that came about since neither my brother nor I were particularly friends with those kids, we were just classmates and hung out with different kids.
Once the house was set up, it was time to start cooking. I can't remember now how many turkeys my father cooked, but I would think it was at least two since we had a double oven in our kitchen. Everyone in the family brought things, but my dad did a lot of cooking that year. One of my mother's cousins roasted his first turkey that Thanksgiving as his wife injured her back and wasn't able to prepare the turkey as planned. Among the many desserts was a cake baked by one of my aunts which was in the shape of a turkey and read "Happy Birthday B... you turkey!" My aunt was a little worried that my mom would be upset, but she loved it and laughed.
We had about 40 people for a sit down Thanksgiving dinner that year. All in our living room. I was among the oldest of the youngest generation, so was privileged to have an actual chair to sit on for dinner. Most of the younger kids were squeezed together on one side of the table closest to the fire place and sat along the benches we'd borrowed. I think we even managed to squeeze in a couple of high chairs for the three one-year-olds. It was a cozy fit.
My father's younger brother and his family didn't come for dinner, but arrived in time for dessert. The family that lent us the benches stopped by at some point in the evening as did one of my brother's friends. Cousins on all sides mixed and played while the adults gabbed the evening away. It was a great party.
It was such a great party that 10 years later for my mom's 50th birthday, we decided to do it again! By that time all of the kids we'd been able to squeeze on to benches were teenagers and the family was much too big to fit everyone in our house for a sit down dinner. Fortunately by that time Uncle Eddie was the pastor at St. Gregory's Church in San Mateo, and they had a great parish hall, complete with an industrial kitchen. Uncle Eddie arranged for us to use the hall and again have the Dwyers, Murrays, and Pendergasts for dinner.
The day before, which was my mother's actual birthday, my parents, brother, and I met my aunt Diane and Uncle Eddie at St. Gregory's to set up the tables and chairs and set out some decorations. It was a bit of a hectic day for me as I'd planned to leave work early and run a couple errands before meeting the family, but wound up spending most of the time dealing with having locked my keys in my car at the gas station! Dad was home cooking three turkeys, so couldn't bring me my spare key and my brother was on his way home from college and mom was still at work. Dad called AAA for me, but it was quite a headache!
Thanksgiving day arrived, and this time we had over 60 people for a sit down dinner. Since we were at St. Gregory's already, Uncle Eddie said a mass for the entire family before dinner. Afterwards we took a great photo of everyone in attendance, and it takes some work to identify who in the family is on which side and who married into any of the families. Again, it was a fun evening of visiting with our family and cousins intermingling. The youngest kids found their way into St. Gregory's gym and tossed a basketball around and just generally ran around having fun.
Earlier this week, one of my Pendergast cousins mentioned he had found a video his mother had taken of that Thanksgiving, and it was great seeing everyone (and how young everyone was! I'm now older than my mother was in that video!)
So this Thanksgiving is quite different. Hopefully next year we'll be able to be together again and celebrate as a whole family. Looking ahead a few years... Mom's 85th birthday is on Thanksgiving, so maybe it's time to start planning for another big family blow out!
